I Failed My Marriage...And It's All Good (The 40's Experience Series)
I know you may find my title a little strange or possibly shocking. What I'm about to say is my truth. I failed my marriage, and it's all good. When I got married in 2005, I wasn't happy about how everything went down, but I did it anyway (fail). I felt not to do it but thought I was a punk. At that moment, I was alone in the church bathroom, nine months pregnant, and alone. I pulled it together and said, "Carlene, stop being a punk. You got this!"(fail). I went through it on a Wednesday night right before bible study.
Through the years, I found myself evolving into someone I didn't recognize when I looked in the mirror. Hearing and listening to voices outside of my own voice, telling me what a wife AND mother should be, I became frustrated (fail). Who was this person I was viewing in the mirror? Where did Carlene go? My perception of the future grew dim. It hurt me to the core that I failed to allow her to be who God called her to be.
I went from being soft-spoken and patient to becoming loud through anger, hurt, bitterness, and resentment (fail). My tolerance level went to a negative zero within the year-this isn't like me at all. I started to become numb. From fiery feuds within the home, the constant fear of something tragic happening within that feud, my body's breakdown from having three of my children almost back to back, and battling postpartum, led to a deep depression. The darkness swallowed me whole.
On a Wednesday night, my husband and I attended a service at the church I now attend. Unbeknown to my husband, I was planning to end my life (fail). Attending a church that night SAVED MY LIFE! From the Word preached that night to a "personal" word, I began to see hope again, but it will be a process and journey towards true happiness.
I began a self-evaluation through online therapy, books, my village, and the main source-God, through prayer and reading the Bible. And just like that, the blinders began to fall off. Fast forward to now. Remember, I mentioned how I felt about getting married at the beginning of the article. Instead of feeling low and regretful, I now feel happy I'm able to recognize what happened. My husband and I had a pretty cool friendship. We would talk through the night on the phone or in person. The attraction was there, but I was in a place of brokenness. I knew I needed healing but didn't quite seek it as I should've.
God wanted me to Himself, but I decided to share myself with the man I've been married to for 15 years today. I lost my apartment and moved in with him (fail). That's where everything started to unravel. I saw some red flags in BOTH of us but CHOSE to do what I thought was necessary to maintain the relationship. I now accept that I taught someone how to treat me, with the allowance of opinions to shape me outside of God's will for my life.
I see where I should've said no, which is a complete sentence. I see where I should've stood my ground in situations. I can speak up now without the feeling of guilt or doubt about it. I no longer receive behavior that is contrary to mine in my personal space. I no longer allow my peace and joy trampled by the rejection of "self-care" of a person ( I don't care who it is). I no longer will accept the lies of Satan, the ultimate enemy of my soul.
As of today, my husband and I are in a transition. I'm not sure of the outcome or what the end will be. At this time, healing is the portion for the BOTH of us (and it's all good). He is NOT my enemy (let me make that clear). I aim to be and remain civil and never messy. I love him, and he loves me. Through counseling, we will figure it all out. Whatever the outcome shall be, it will be our choice (and yes, the children are aware).
As I transition back to who God intended me to be, my only hope is for my children to see their mommy become the best version of herself through the guidance, knowledge, understanding, and wisdom of the Father, the ultimate source of my well being. I want to be free, happy, and proud of me...finally.
This was a hard post to write and a hard pill to swallow. Mixed tears burn my eyes. However, I'm grateful. This post's inspiration came from a devotional I read, and it opened me up to say I FAILED MY MARRIAGE, AND ITS ALL GOOD! It's all good because I have received my "aha" moment and is willing to accept and correct it. The lessons I've learned, and I'm learning will be posted soon. THIS is my tea AND cookies. Keep not only me but my husband and my children in your prayers. God is still in control, and I trust Him in the good and bad.
Much love to you all.