PERIMENOPAUSE...The Next Phase
These responses have become my new norm. I don't feel like saying anything more in the mornings afternoons, or evenings. And when I find myself saying more, I give the same face as this young lady in the picture to the left. Why? Because I'm trying to conceal my annoyance and lack of patience.
I also give this face when unexpected pain in my body happens. Like, where did that come from? A pain in the calf. Pain in my hips. Pain in my legs. Pain in my pinky toe. Pain in my chest (built-up gas from eating dairy that I'm now allergic to). Pain in the weirdest places. There are days I want to scream. It messes with a precondition that I already have which is fibromyalgia.
Perimenopause and menopause are known for their top symptoms which include hot flashes, mood swings, and missing periods. These ring true for me as well as symptoms of feeling alone, sad, grief, anger, and uncertainty. And let me not forget that my body from my hair down to my toes is changing.
Though most people will celebrate the fact of no more periods, yet, it marks an era ending that started at an early age for most which marked an era of excitement. "You are now entering womanhood", they said. Am I now leaving womanhood? Will I not be considered a woman? Of course, I will, just not experiencing painful monthly blood flow. I'm at the peek-a-boo stage. I see it and then I won't. I did look for it but now I'm like, it's whatever.
Perimenopause has made me think about life. In my previous blog, I talked about being thankful. In this one, perimenopause has me revamping every plan and goal that I've set. For me, timing is of the essence. Not saying that I am about to check out of this world, but I do wonder about when. And then I'm flooded with so many questions of why I didn't do this. Or why did I take so long? Or will I ever do it? Will it be too late? Will there be enough time? I caused myself to isolate and be in an inward frenzy. I didn't feel like myself.
Therapy and prayer have helped. I have a great doctor who broke down all that I will experience. She was right. "Mrs. Wright, I will have to talk with your husband because what you are about to go through is going to change your life. You will not tolerate certain things anymore. Your patience will be limited. Your body will undergo hormonal changes which means your breast can become enlarged. You may gain or lose weight. Your sex life may decrease or increase, depending on your hormone levels. You may have energy one day and the next few days be knocked off your feet. You may experience depression and moments of isolation."
My doctor didn't blank. She looked me in the eyes and said, "But whatever you do, take care of you first. Self-care will be essential. You will need your time. I will recommend some herbal vitamins to help you and some resources to help you through this." And in another breath, she gave me a warning after reading the results of my iron level which could have put me in the hospital that same day (scare of my life). And last she said, "Welcome to the next phase of life."
Leaving her office, it felt as if I was walking in slow motion. It took forever for me to reach the exit of the office. I remember the front desk handing me the summary of the visit. As I got on the elevator, the tears rolled. I didn't think it was the end of life. It was more of the end of how I knew life to be. Mentally, emotionally, and physically, I was no good. I wanted to crawl in bed. But instead, I sat by the water at the NYC Seaport.
I didn't call anyone. I didn't want to. I didn't want to cry in someone's ear about what I should've expected to come. Maybe that was the problem. I didn't think about it or about it...until it started to happen. I allowed and am allowing myself to grieve. It's part of the process.
I have joined online forums and groups to be and keep informed. This helps a lot. I can't say I will be back to myself because I am changing. I am blooming into a new person of a new era and phase. I know I'm not the same. I'm embracing it.
I will keep you informed. If you are going through the same as I, please leave a comment, tips, advice, or just a note of positivity. Love you all.